This is how I feel at the moment...

It's not that I felt lazy to write something... I actually spent quite a long time searching for the perfect song that fits my situation right now. It's from Lonestar and the song is, "Amazed". It practically says it all.

Amazed
By Lonestar

Every time our eyes meet
This feeling inside me
Is almost more than I can take
Baby when you touch me
I can feel how much you love me
And it just blows me away

I've never been this close to anyone or anything
I can hear your thoughts
I can see your dreams

I don't know how you do what you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I wanna spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby I'm amazed by you

The smell of your skin
The taste of your kiss
The way you whisper in the dark
Your hair all around me
Baby you surround me
You touch every place in my heart

Oh it feels like the first time every time
I wanna spend the whole night
In your eyes

I don't know how you do what you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I wanna spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby I'm amazed by you

Vision

One of the things that will be included in my list of inspirations is the movie Big Fish. I watched it with my son, which to me was very significant, because it teaches us to be imaginative, to be creative in a world where everything seems to be unorganized, complicated and dreary.

Last night, I told him the story of Puff, the Magic Dragon. In my original version and 11 yawns later, Ethan was asleep.

In one part of my life, when I was in fourth grade and a member of the Children’s Choir, we were invited to perform three songs, one of which was “Alleluia”. As we were having our dance rehearsal, five of us witnessed a rather impossible situation. I never saw it, but those who did told us they saw The Virgin Mary, Jesus and Sto. Nino at the balcony, watching us. Is this true? But there were five of them who believe so. On the contrary, can it be possible that they were just imagining?

Quoting Pam Houston, “I write because I don’t believe in truth, in non-fiction, or history or biography, or anyone who says, ‘this is how it really happened.’” I think so too. Human beings are natural story tellers, and since time immemorial, stories were used to amuse people, to explain things that are unexplainable at that time. However, stories that have been told and retold many times will always be different from the original. That is because, as love is, the mind moves in mysterious ways.

I’d like to think that my life is a fantasy, or that I am a fantasy in its sense. I love to create and be original. To the things I’ve written, it must have been 20% truth and the rest was pure imagination.

childhood sweetheart

I’ve been in certain bandwagons lately and to name one, I’ve been really crazy with Friendster. It came my way when I started my very first job as a call center agent a couple of months back, and it was one of the things I look up to when I reach my workstation. However, since everyone of us here in the office have one, and I can say, are dead crazy about it too, our Supervisors have decided to ban it, along with YM and other “internet stuff” (as they call it).

Anyway, I am very thankful that Friendster’s here because I’ve unearthed my looooong lost boyfriend, haha! He was 9 and I was 11 when we swore to marry each other when we were grown ups. I remember him giving me wilted “Kalachuchi” as his token of love. And I must admit, he was my first ever kiss (on the cheek). It is a pretty "kilig" story of a childhood sweetheart that had almost faded, and 12 years later would have bloomed.

But things have changed. Since we’ve completely lost touch with each other, it was like he was totally erased from my life and the only thing that's left of him are the memories. Little did I know that we have been studying in the same school after all these years, and the exciting thing is, we are both graduating at the same time! I never met him there in DLSU, and we’ve probably seen each other or bump into each other, only we did not recognize it. I guess the only time I'll ever see him in the flesh is when we march and get our diplomas in June.

We have been emailing each other, you know, little updates in our lives. I really hope to see him and I'm sure he had missed those good old days. I quote him, "Remember that room we used to play?" It was his room. Anyway, he thinks my son is cute, though.

A Ship for a Shoe...

Last night, I surprised JC by taking him out to dinner. Or was that, midnight snack? I was so proud to actually be the one to treat him this time, I even offered to drive, at 11:30pm (since he get's home around that time). Usually, from our place to Greenhills, it would only take about 15minutes, but since I was driving, it's understood that it'll take more than that. However, a brave soul that I am, I drove to Greenhills, through those streets that make you go crazy, as if you were in Daly City, believe it or not - in platform clogs, or whatever you call it.

JC could not keep his eyes off the road because at numerous times, I would hit the breaks and the gas pedals at the same time, unintentionally, of course. Also, I tend to drive a bit fast since I could not feel that I am already hitting the gas pedal too hard or deep. Twice, the engine stopped because I've released the clutch pedal too soon without enough gas. Whatever...all because I had a ship for a shoe.

I just recently had a licence and is still in the process of practice-driving, although I can handle it alone. But last night was different. I wish I had worn my favorite sneakers instead. It was a good thing we got to North Park safe, in let's say, 40 minutes?

It just reminded me of 10years back when my Dad would call us up and ask what we wanted for pasalubong and we would say, Japanese! And at around 1:30 am when he arrives home, we would be happy.

I guess what I really want to say is that sometimes being in a family gets boring, but when you spice it up with little things like a wife surprising her husband like that, or when your father doesn't come home for dinner but calls you up just before he gets home to ask you what you want, it really is amazing.

After a hearty meal and two orders of Lemonades for me, JC offered to drive home.

meeting mode

this is one of the times i feel being unproductive as a sales rep here in my call center career. practically 6 hours ago, our Sup (ervisor) asked me and a fellow e-rep to go on "meeting mode" the rest of them were either on "avail" mode, meaning they can take live calls, and some of them are also on "meeting mode" but are doing phone sims. Tuesday and I on the other hand felt like we were alienated...big time! and all Tezza had to say, "wait for Van's email, she's working on it..." 6 hours later, i find myself either sleeping, (or trying to sleep) or just plain staring at the ceiling for no reason at all...oh, yeah, to "wait" for Van's email on what i should do....then i find ourselves logging off already, heading for home.

Hideaway

"a nice deserted beach...for only you and me...together we will find, a hideaway, where we can stay from day to day, we'll find a hinding place, where we could cherish a love....each day..."

i have been to so many places these past 10 days with my bestfriend. wouldn't it be so nice to finally be with someone you can have laugh trips all the time? i have found my travel buddy in her, my bestfriend, Mary. we went to Zambales last weekend with her boyfriend Chito and his best-bud, Rob. it was something!!! i had never felt so liberated in my entire life. it was like i never really was worried if someone would cross my path...and i had a really great time!

Sunday night i got back home...i was not able to sleep just yet...i kept on thinking about the splendid time i had back there. the next morning, Mary told me to pack my things as we were about to head for Baguio...Yeah...less than 24 hours in Manila, and here i am in another getaway with the person i love most...a few hours later, we were kissing Baguio...

And so went another adventure for the two of us, sick lovers of nature...and beer.

After aching legs and hungry mouths, we were home once again. but it was not the end of the journey. we found ourselves exchanging giggles again in Tagaytay Hilands yesterday.

I can never really say how much i have enjoyed this past week, and i can never really say when this journey will end...

For what i hope and for what i have gained, i've had one of the best weeks of my life.

CLOSURE (from Last Thursday, April 1)

I am writing my closure on some factors that have struck me so much, as though I am Juliet’s heart, aching for Romeo one more time.

Part-time E-Rep @ PS
It has only been a few months since I stepped into the doors of People Support. It was my first job. Like any enthusiast for a call center career, I was nervous, but I knew I had the edge. I have heard of people saying there is no growth in this business, but I must say, I think that the people who actually had the passion to do it are the ones who have noticed that growth. I can never really say how much talent I gained in those sleepless nights trying to get a sale. It was all about discipline, rapport amongst fellow e-reps and customers, and worse, patience. I thank all those who have helped me become at least the person PS wanted me to be. I am guilty of the fact that there were times when I did not take this seriously. But now that I am inches away to stepping out of that door that I first walked in, I felt the heartbreak. For a moment there I thought we can go a long way. I should have striven more to elicit mirth and genuineness.

College
DLSU has given me a chance to finally graduate. But after six long years, all I can say is, “At last!” Looking back, around the exuberances of my batch mates, around the campus that was always on the go, around the wry looks on our professor’s faces, among other things, I smiled. This was my whole life as a struggling Lasallian. And, just a thought, would I be an achiever? I spent my Grade School years preparing for the next level and I spent High School preparing for College. Now that I am about to impart what I’ve learned, I am truthfully scared. I feel that I would not be able to circle up like the winds of Africa, but instead I might slide down as if I were Jack trying to escape something prodigious.

Relationships
One of my favorite actresses of all time once said, “Love shifts and changes. I do not know if you can be wholeheartedly in love all the time.” I have been in love with just one man. But situations just did not permit it to be forever. We have spent so much time fighting for and about our relationship than actually having one. I’ve always believed that love conquers all. Especially in a marriage, when you love one another, you see more about that person you love, and because you see him more, you are also prepared to see something less. But now that I am actually in distress, I thought maybe I was wrong. Maybe love doesn’t necessarily have to conquer all. And because of so much pain, I feel like no matter how much I loved, in the end, it is lost.

Right now, I am listening to Lea Salonga’s version of, “Reflection”. Every time I come face to face with my self, I come face to face with reality. So many times I have tried to hide from it, and now, I have to know who I really am inside. I only believe one thing: I am strong. I am such because I finally learned the pains of living, and loving.