JUNE

Soon, traffic would get worse and there would be many students carrying umbrellas in different designs and colors. Mine would be a pale, black, small umbrella, figuratively. Taft Avenue would no longer be my sight for sore eyes when the rain floods its shallow street. But one could notice the mere flood inundating my eyes.

Like the rain that would never stop from falling, the tears would be my companion in the months yet to come. Would I be able to handle the stormy life I chose to live? Would the tiny umbrella save me from getting drained?

I am preparing for a separation that is for good.

Words easily flow...

As I close the summer months, I’d like to share a few passages which I think many of us can relate to. These are all about love, a cliché, used or unused, it speaks my mind in so many ways. The last quote, from Jessica Zafra, is the one I have been living on these past few days.

“And now listen to me in turn. You have touched me more profoundly than I thought even you could have touched me - my heart was full when you came here today. Henceforward I am yours for everything....” – Love letter to Robert, from Elizabeth Barrett Browning

“…the perfection of love is not being loved, but being lover.” – from Umberto Eco’s The Island Of The Day Before

“Love is always bestowed as a gift – freely, willingly and without expectation. We don’t love to be loved; we love to love.” – Leo Buscaglia

“Walang iba pang sasarap sa pagtitinginan natin…” – VST & Company

“If I can stop the heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain…
I shall not live in vain.”
– Emily Dickinson

“The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want…
Even though I walk through the valley
Of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me.”
– Psalm 23

“I’ve dreamt my life in dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas; they’ve gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the color of my mind.” – Emily Bronte

“Love is irrational, which is why we have the knack for picking the one person who will make us miserable. The question is: Do we pick that person because we want to be miserable?” – Jessica Zafra

Why Now?

Today's the last day of my cousin Raymond's wake at Christ the King. He was only 44, cancer of the muscle.

At the service, emotive as it was, her younger sister delivered the highlights of Kuya Raymond's life in her 4-page eulogy. What clobbered me the most was her last few statements about asking God, "Why now?" I quote her, "Why does he have to go now that he is more preoccupied with better and more important things in life?"

Apparently, Kuya Raymond, in his last few months here on Earth decided to change his existence by having a closer relationship with God and to have a sense of deep soul searching. Ate Ochie told us that maybe God was just waiting for him for this. I guess she's right. Even until the end, The Lord never gives up on us. Even until the end, He would still want us to become better men.

On a more personal note, I myself, have been asking God so many questions. I should be happy that even if i won't be able to have another child, God has given Ean to me, more than just a son, but a friend too. I should be happy that atleast there was someone who deserved my love, even for just a while.

Things really are always what they seem to be...

A Woman's Frailty...

To Oberon:

Here I am, laughing at the corniest of jokes, I laugh because I am dejected. For the first time, I feel this authenticity because I respect the person that I am.

I've wasted so many dreams of us, those that promised happiness and guaranteed forever. But let me dream once more, of the way things should be, because it is not how it is now. I should have held you twice; the first time to let you know you are loved, and the second, to never let you go.

The rare smile on my face is a consolation to the many heartaches I am going through.

"I Love You!" <= words that are but shadows: dark, ignored, and harmless.

Here I am, alone, filling my eyes with tears again...like the love that once filled my puny heart.



To Robin Hood:

You must realize that "a thing of beauty is a joy forever..." and that what we have now is something worth treasured. But it can never be more than that. I cannot promise you what I've sworn five years ago. Again and again I will keep on asking, "Where were you five years ago?”

Irony as it is, I hope that this question is enough to answer your doubts.

You were just too damn late.

Hold Me Now

I guess it’s all over…take everything, I’ll have the memories, the dreams we thought we’d conquer, pictures of what it must have been like, of what has been…it’s hard because it’s like I never really knew you, and the fact that you meant everything to me and knowing I never meant anything to you…

For now, let me cry…

the whole week

Last monday, i did not sign up for a shift because it was my best friend's birthday, yeah, she's that important! my whole life depended on her in some instances, hehe! of course, since it was her birthday, we partied the night away...literally went home around 3am of Tuesday, so that explains, peeps, why i wasn't able to come to work that day.

Tuesday morning, woke up at around 8am just to call forcedesk i won't be coming in...i though i was sick, but i just needed to rest. i was thinking of just going on a 4-hour shift instead of 8 and just come after lunch, but i was just too sleepy...

Wednesday, i called forcedesk again at 6am to let them know still i won't be going to work, reason? i've to go to PRC to get my application for LET done...i was there exactly 7:30am, and guess what time i got out? fuckin' 2:30 pm!!! and you'd never guess how i smelled like...when i was there inside that torture chamber, it's like, "Manong, suot nyo na po bra ko!!!" ahehehehehe! that's how bad it was there...sik-sikan to the max...and the lines were all messed up. i was falling in line at the wrong place, for about 30minutes, my feet hurt, only to find out we should have went to this other line, etc, etc...makes me think really that goverment sectors or whatever you call that, do not have a system at all. around 3:30pm, i submitted my resume at PCS and will be having my exam the next day.

Thursday, i called in saying i can't come to work because i have an exam and some errands still to do. 8am i started my exam. by the way, it was for an English teacher at PCS. with me was another examinee for another subject i guess. in one test, i was to do it only for 40 minutes while the one beside me, for 45. i never got to finish the test, it was too long for 40 mins. but i'm sure that i did not have any wrong answers. and i though that after 5 more minutes, the other girl would be passing hers too...ofcourse, the facilitator was so overwhelmed talking with another co-teacher that she forgot the other examinee...it was like after 20minutes when she came in and told her she was already overtime...man, she got to finish the test!!! bad trip! anyway, i had a nice lunch in Binondo with a special someone...then we just bummed around Manila, practially walking on top of those Intramuros walls in the afternoon...it was a great feeling! i went home around 10pm, hahaha!

Now it's Friday and i'm just so messed up i called forcedesk again telling them i wasn't feeling well...and really, i'm not...i'm sick! i got wet last night and now i have bad colds...

so it's a whole week without work and i'm wondering how much i'll be getting next payday! sheesh!

"No job is easy!"

I am happy that i am working Part-time with PS, because they gave a really good Part time deal. One, you get to choose your sked, unlike others wherein they give you a specific load/schedule; two, you get to cancel your shift if, say, you were too lazy to get up (but of course there's an adherence); third, the pay's really good...; etc...

My contract will expire in 4 month's time and i know i have to make the most out of that last few months. so now i chose and will be choosing to do OT's every weekend, and do full shift the rest of the week. practically speaking, i will be working every single day.

and that's OK. i talked to my mom and she disagrees with it. she says GY shifts are only for the men, because they have more tolerance for stress. i say, what? and i told her it's not like that. and it's not like i'm carrying loads of stuff on my shoulders or that my work is something rigorous. after minutes of explaining, se finally gets it. but then disagrees that i work everyday. "It's not the right thing to do!", she blurts out. that i have a son and who will take care of him, etc, etc...

that's why i work at 10pm until 2am, when he's asleep, or about to doze off...the funny thing is that, Ean understands me more than anyone else. he knows i have to work in order for us to live.

still my mom thinks otherwise...

4pm

Why is it that everytime i'm about to go home, like in an hour, i feel this urge to just go to sleep! this happens everytime since i started doing daytime shifts here at PS. So i would have to save one 5-minute break for this just so i can go to the washroom and flush my face, literally flush my face with cold water...

Why is it that at this time, when i gaze out that window, i always feel that certain longing for Corregidor, a place i have never been to. Then i would have to browse through different sites about this fascinating island and would ahve to do some accounting as to how much we will be spending...

Why is it that when by the setting of the sun, i feel like i'm missing out on something, which i cannot figure out what. it's weird!

For whatever it is, i just assume that i am not alone in this kind of impression. A lot of people think their lives are very much wasted and that they can't do anything about it now. Well i say, it's never too late!

Fair enough

Last night, while talking to Robin Hood, I had a call waiting, it was Oberon, the King of Elves...he is still very much in argument with Titania, Queen of Faeries and he was wondering when he can get the Changeling Boy so they can have some quality time together...if actually, he can get him in an hour, to which, I agreed.

Moments later, i sent Peter Pan to his quest...a very long one. Had to ask him to visit the Mermaids in the Lagoon and have a bath of his own. And to visit the Forest hills, see if we can go camping there next time in Subic.

And now, he still has not gone back. I guess he enjoyed his time with good Ol' Wendy and Captain Hook!

A Baby...

The next 9 months will surely change my life. No, I am not pregnant, however unreal it may sound. I have just been denied application and I feel bad! So bad that it was actually a good thing already! Since I know I won't be having a teaching job in the next three or four months, (school's are about to open) I would be able to take the LET exams without worries on August, and actually take pleasure in whatever's left of my call center career as a part-timer. Actually thinking of landing a job in the College level for the 2nd term and it just so happened it's gonna be the end of my contract @ PS!

So, if everything goes well, next week, I am off to submitting a bunch of résumé’s for last minute application. I mean, reality check, there are schools desperate of teachers and I might be lucky to find that particular school... Next month, June, would be my application for the LET exam reviews and that's like snatching all of my Saturday's for it, which, by the end of August is the exam proper. By September is my contract termination @ PS and would decide if I’ll go full-time or not. That would depend on the status of my application in St. Benilde, since 2nd term is around that time. And, airy as it may sound, I will try to grab an opportunity to enroll a masteral degree in Early Childhood Education. By November are the results of the LET exam and I sure hope to pass, cuz it's like going to be another year to have a re-take, and I wouldn't want that. Not now, when I am already planning a lot of stuff for the goodness of my life and my son. Come January, would be another MA term. So hopefully by February, my résumé’s complete with all the stuff I desire for myself to which i offer to my son, and present it to SSC with such finesse, and they'll be hungry for me, and I would turn them down...hahaha! Just kidding, of course not, if it's not St. Scho, then everything is just useless...

What I'm saying is that it's such a blessing i was not able to get in St. Scho. Because otherwise, I might neglect my LET reviews, I might resign here @ PS and wouldn't be able to save enough money for my MA. Hello, what I'll be getting from St. Scho is just enough for my son and for the things we need but seriously, what I get here @ PS is really something I should be proud of and would use it for greater things such as my MA.

You might think, then why St. Scho? Because...

I love my son and this is all for him...

One night at Mc Cool's...

Right after my shift @ PS yesterday, i went straight to David's Salon to have a quick shampoo and blowdry. I cannot believe they charged me P270 just for that! Yeah, i have a little over shoulder-length hair and besides the fact that it was curly and thick, still it's not supposed to be that expensive. I was actually betting a P150 for that since in Reyes Haircutters, it's only P50. But, what do you know? it's international...

I got home at 5pm, just in time for my pal's call. we decided to just meet at the Phil Post 2004 office, his office, since we will be having dinner @ BlueBay. A quick shower and several minutes on a partly decomposing taxi, i met them-Mary, Rob and Chito.

BlueBay, Buffet by the bay, was empty the moment we got in. Looks like Brother Eddie's troops have scared people to actually go beyond Roxas Blvd. But then we were probably just a bunch of early birds.

Nothing beats the tongue! My favorite? The spicy seaweeds!!! I loved the fact that i am with my bestfriend and her boyfrend and her boyfriend's bestfriend, and having great buffet dinner, and sensible yet mundane talks. usually when i go out with my family, it's always "eat and run" but this time, it was different. i have never been to a buffet with friends, pathetic! i was with the people i care about, and with someone who cares more about me than any person in the world. I love the fact that i am sitting next to him, just being a lazy princess! The moment the ice in my glass starts to make sounds, he gets up to have it re-filled. I am constantly being fed with Maki, using his own chopsticks. Not to mention his quick glances at me and the incredible smile painted on his face when i glanced back.

Good thing we were off to Q.C. just before the fireworks ended. And we decided to try the Dungeons Bar, a relief. I actually had a great time, the crowd was fun and the oldies band were hilarious!

And the rest is history. I have a new Old Navy shirt that i am wearing at work right now...and boy am i sooooo sleepy!

Hellboy

I love him! I love HB and I feel like I'm Liz Sherman...I think HB's great in all aspects. He's strong, he's confident that he can take anyone or anything down and he is just amusing!!! I love his humor and the way he handles things around him. He's a tough guy and like any ordinary person, when it comes to love, we are weak.

I enjoyed the movie in every angle. The special effects is breathtaking and I can really feel the slimey stuff of those aliens as if I were there, yuuuuuck!!! The movie had a great cast...Dr. Broom is Mr. Olivander the wand expert! I knew it, I knew he looked familiar. Oh, and by the way, Abe's voice sounded familiar...like Dr. Doppler's in Treasure Planet...

I quote HB: "...I'll always look this good!...I will never give up on you...ever!"

falling meteor

i cant sleep. is it because i am used to working late?

or is it because my life has shifted another dimension...

this weekend, i spent another vacation with my close friends, again, in Iba, Zambales. there's nothing much to say except that we spent it in a beach, where the waters reach the farthest your eyes can go (it's already the South China Sea so it's infinite), where it is extremely romantic at night with the stars...and all those "beach stuff".

but what makes it so special that i can't sleep now that i just got home and my body's tired from heavy traffic in Pampanga?

i am not at liberty to say anything at the moment, except that i saw a falling meteor, right there when i was walking along the seashore on Saturday night...the night was so romantic already...and it even got more romantic, more special after that meteor incident...it was around 3-5seconds, a bit smaller than the glowing moon (so it is big for a falling star, right?) and it was moving slow...and still burning...it was awesome...

i was not able to wish, though, stupid of me! but the thing is, we take these things for granted. when we catch a falling star, we make a wish right away...this one was different, though. it was, like i said, slow and big and burning..all the more reason for me to make a wish...i had time...but i didn't. all i said was, "beautiful!" that's it. i did not think of myself for a moment there, but i appreciated what i saw...my whole heart longed for that, even until now.

and somehow, i am like the meteor...burning, alive, in the sense that i still am capable of loving and being loved in a different way. falling, in the sense that i may be too weak for my self...

but nonehteless, i long to be wanted...like it's a bad thing...but, for sometime now, i have been doing charity things to those people i expected nothing in return, but somehow, i still longed for it...and here is someone, the audience of that meteor, my audience, watching every move i make, noticing me...caring for me...appreciating me...longing for me...